I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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