I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Can you bring me the toilet please
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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