im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
