I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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