Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
