I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
