He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
You pole danced in your parka.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
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