my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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