i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Randomize
