i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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