don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
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