You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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