Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
