you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
