mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
