You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
