oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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