They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
