with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Shitshow foam night was such a success
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
