Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
