I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
