Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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