did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Randomize
