He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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