Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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