the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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