I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Thank you for not boning my boss.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
