another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
