now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
