If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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