god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
