Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize