I feel like abortions should bother me more
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
