I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Sober January is a disaster.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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