haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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