She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
