New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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