I looked at my own cervix.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
This baby is an asshole
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
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