she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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