i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I think I have vodka in my lungs
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize
