Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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