I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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