So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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