Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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