smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
