Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
