Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
