Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
