In the future we'll all be gay
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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