she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
