I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
