I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
