Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I am spending my child support on dildos
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
