o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
