i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
