worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
