peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Randomize
