Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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