every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
