This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize