I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
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