i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
