Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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